You're not someone good
by Angelica R
Summary: [S1-4/centred on August]. 'You perfectly know that you're not someone good; you realize it at the moment when you abandon Emma, the one you're supposed to protect, and as she is the one that will save all of you. But it's just later that you're clearly conscious of it, at the instant when you understand who is Henry, and especially who is really his father.'


You're not someone good.

[S1-4/centred on August]. ''You perfectly know that you're not someone good; you realize it at the moment when you abandon Emma, the one you're supposed to protect, and as she is the one that will save all of you. But it's just later that you're clearly conscious of it, at the instant when you understand who is Henry, and especially who is really his father.''

English version of "Tu n'es pas quelqu'un de bien."

When your father tells you that it will be you who will go in this strange and fascinating world, you perfectly know that he does it to protect you, so you shouldn't doubt of the legitimacy of your father's actions. ( _But your father asks for that to Blue to lie,_ _where_ _as they all always told you the lie was a thing not to do._ )

You don't want to go in there, you would prefer to stay with your father, so you could be _together_ , because even if there is a curse, and that you know you may not see him again before twenty-eight years, you prefer to forget him and wait that the Saviour comes and save you than to be separated from him. You still don't know it, but for the first time since the Blue Fairy changed you into a human, you're selfish. ( _But it doesn't count, for you finally accept the decision of your father.)_

You're afraid, and it's completely normal, because you're just a child, and because what is happening in the Enchanted forest is _sincerely_ horrifying. Because the Evil Queen swore to destroy _all_ of you, even the innocents ( _especially_ _the_ _innocents_ ), and that, you know it, because you were here. You also desperately try not to let yourself be invaded by fear ( _there is shame also, the one because of the lie told by Blue to Snow and Charming and you blame yourself for what you still don't know is the selfishness of your father_ ); but it's a complete failure.

But finally, despite your doubts and your reluctances you enter into this wardrobe that your father and yourself did and which took such a time to do ( _if there wasn't this story of curse, you would surely feel proud of yourself and of your father. And you would be right.)_ ; then, you wait. You don't know how many time you have to wait, but the thing you know now is that this world is not yours and there is fear inside you that appears, and that begins to overwhelm you ( _this is not cowardice, not really, at least not now, this, this will come later.)_

The baby, the child, the princess finally arrives in a beautiful blanket embroider with her name, she may have just some instants of existence, she already bears the fate of her world on her shoulders ( _you can't help but pitying her, sincerely, for this fate she didn't choose, and it's probably one of the only times you do it for her_ ). But the little princess isn't the only one who has a fate bigger than her and too heavy, and facing the scale of the task, you can just tremble. And it's what you do.

The child's name is Emma, and you still don't know that, but soon, you will let her alone, without someone to tell her who she is, what she must do, nor even how much she was _desired,_ and _wanted_ by her parents ( _it's probably this that makes that you're not someone good, because one of the things Emma will miss the most, is to know that her parents wanted to keep her with them.)_

She is just a kid, and you're just a child but you're the older one of the two of you, so your role in this world is to protect her against all the dangers that can exist ( _despite your fear, at that moment you promise to yourself you'll do it. In a way, it's a lie, because you won't honour it, this promise_.)

At no moment you really curse your father, because your know why he did this, in order to preserve you ( _it's later, during moments where you feel lost, and alone, and desperate, that you will hate him, so you will not have to hate yourself_ ). And you're so scared to disappoint him that there no moment when you think that he had been selfish by wanting to protect you ( _but your father is not like that, is he ?)_

 _§§§§_

Her and you finally go to this orphanage, and you don't like it, from the beginning. Your first idea is to flee and take Emma from this place, because she is the Saviour, a princess and she deserves better than that. You're full of good will, and even if it doesn't seem easy to you at first sight, you're determined to fight for her ( _then,_ _you're still combative and full of courage.)_

But you're just eight years old, so how can you resist to the desire to go away from this place, for adventure in this world you still don't know ? And this, even though it means to abandon the child you have to take care of, who will grow up alone and won't even know that she is the Saviour ( _it is cowardice and selfishness, even maybe a lack of sincerity, but you don't turn into wood, so it doesn't have to be so serious)._ You leave, and a piece of your heart squeezes itself when you realize which double betrayal you're doing : to your father, but also to Emma.

You perfectly know that you're not someone good; you realize it at the moment when you abandon Emma, the one you're supposed to protect, and as she is the one that will save all of you. You're cowardly, and selfish and false but on the moment, you don't care of that. You become again the one you used to be, the one you swore you never would be again, by promising it to your father, to Blue, to Jiminy or even to yourself.

( _This promise, you break it without any remorse_ _because you're persuaded that everything will be okay for her, because your respective parents would have never send you in a dangerous world, at least, it is what you think._ )

But again, you're just a child, and your father should have knew that it wasn't a good idea to send you, and not Snow, and that, you begin to understand it ( _because Snow would have never give up her daughter_.)

But, as you flee your responsibilities, you don't think about it, and it's just later that the remorse will invade you. Then, you will realize that you're _really_ not someone good. You're eight years old, and you run far from this story of curse, fairy tales, wooden boy and orphan princess. ( _And moreover, you desperately try to forget all of this, because if you don't know who you are or who your father is, so maybe that_ _the_ _shame and_ _the_ _deception your father would feel if he knew would be more simple to ignore. This is absolutely not the case_.)

 _§§§§_

You grow up. You become an adult; and you change your name too, because apparently, in this world, being Pinocchio appears more than a joke than something true, and you don't understand why ( _at least, not at the beginning_.) You're not a child any more, and maybe that's the moment when you should find Emma, say her for her destiny, but without knowing why, you don't have the intention to do it. Maybe it's because you're not interested in your mission ( _it's false, you just don't know how to do it, you don't know how to make someone believe that magic exists, because yourself you almost can't succeed to believe to it yourself_.) but also because unconsciously, you know she won't believe you.

When you find again Emma for the first time, you are twenty-six, and she is eighteen; this is not her that you find, but Neal Cassidy. You know nothing about what they are for each other, so it doesn't disturb you to break what could have been between them and even if you feel sorry for them, you decide that your mission is more important that their romance ( _you're selfish, and you know it, but you can just say to yourself that your father, in a sense, sacrificed you so you could help Emma. And maybe that unconsciously you just want to revenge_ _on someone else that who also would have to sacrifice himself so she could accomplish her destiny_.)

Neal thinks you're guilty for many things, but if he isn't wrong on some points, there is a lot of things that he doesn't know ( _as the fact they send you alone when you were a child, and also the fact that, damn, how could Blue at just one moment accept it ?)_ So you flee again, and you make yourself forget for a time.

It's just ten years after that that you receive the first reminder and it is _very, very_ painful; suddenly, you panic. _I am turning into wood_ is your first though, and strangely you don't even think to call your father for his help, as it would be worthless ( _because_ _with time you succeeded to learn how to manage alone, even though you terribly miss your father, and there is also the pain he will have when he'll_ _know_ _you didn't help the Saviour to do well_ ). But you don't think to Emma right now, but just to a way, any way, to escape from this nightmare in which you threw yourself.

It's a total failure, again one, and it's just after you've been fooled by Tamara that you decided to fight so this damn curse can finally end; you say goodbye to Neal and then you go to Storybrooke. You have no idea of what you will discover there ( _you would almost regret that Neal didn't come with you_.)

 _§§§§_

To go to Storybrooke isn't something difficult, because _you_ , you come from the Enchanted Forest; you understand at the moment you see her that it's Emma, because she didn't really change since her eighteen. You smile, looking well-assured ( _but internally, you're petrified, because you know that to make her believe will be complicated. You have no idea of how you're right; fix your past mistakes will take time_ ) and you go in her direction. The first contact is good, because you know you intrigue her.

You don't know who is the kid that is with her, in fact, you don't car now, because you don't really know what happened ten years ago. But Henry isn't an ordinary kid, and when you discuss with him, you realize that he is Emma' son. Finally, you don't need so much time to understand the truth, and when it happens, your world falls, in part ( _something breaks then, because something had been broken this day, ten years ago.)_

You already know that you're not someone good, even before you knew Henry, but it's just later that you're clearly conscious of it, at the instant when you understand who is Henry, and especially who is really his father. This is there that you understand; you're _definitely_ not someone good ( _you realize it when you talk about Henry with Emma, and, seeming not to think really about it, you ask who is father is. Emma says that he is dead, but you, you understand it's a lie; liar, you muttered to yourself_.)

Maybe that it is just there that you know what you did, that you realize the scope of your acts, and you hate yourself for that ( _because Emma abandoned Henry, and because damn, you know that they could have been a family, and because of you, it won't happen. Because you were a coward, and selfish, and false_.) Sometimes, you can't help thinking that in reality, if you turn into wood, it's because you destroyed them, not only because the Saviour doesn't believe in herself, and because of your failure, the Evil Queen will win.

Maybe that there is something that breaks in you, and maybe that you say to yourself that you deserve what happens to you ( _you're a monster, in a way and a certain point of view, and you know that, because you're not this afraid child that once had still the choice. You will die, and you know it, because the Saviour doesn't succeed to believe, because of you_.)

To talk with Blue again is atrocious and deeply painful, even though it's really good, because she had been as a mother to you. ( _You smile when you know who she is in this world, the Mother Superior and it doesn't surprise you, not really)_. And strangely, you don't think she is guilty because she listened to your father. No, but you blame _yourself_ , because _you_ failed, that Emma won't break the curse ( _and you decided that you wouldn't see again your father, because it would hurt too much_ ) and you will die because of it.

To make yourself be seen as Neal (Baelfire) is an incredibly stupid idea, because even though Gold can be _in fact_ being played by your little game of the prodigal son ( _and in fact it happens_ ), try to use the dagger on him to control him in a world _without magic_ is something really pointless. The wizard finally understands it, and the fact that he confronts you to your father is a personal revenge that you wanted not to face. A good ( _or bad_ ) idea would probably to say to Rumplestiltskin where his son is ( _but it is certain that nor Neal nor Emma would appreciate_ )

All your efforts are useless, and are just stinging failures, and you more and more turn into a wooden boy, and no one except Henry seems to realize this ( _but Henry is just a child and he can't make Emma believe in magic. Every time you see Henry, you feel bad, because you imagine the life he could have had. But without him, none of this could have been, so, everything is for the better, because you would know it if it wasn't the case, right ?_ )

To show your wooden leg to Emma could have worked, well, if she wouldn't have been that obstinate and unable to see and just _believe_ ( _but_ _how could you blame her, as you were supposed to be the one who would make her believe, but you failed. Your behaviour was a mistake, and you're conscious of it_ ). And you finally understand that everything is over, that you and the other you lost and that the Evil Queen will soon win. The spell that turns your body into wood again acts on you, and as you can just barely breath, and that you almost can't breath any more, you completely give up.

But the Saviour is someone unpredictable, and finally she can believe, but it's late for you, and in reality you almost don't regret it ( _even if internally it relieves you, because it means that you didn't completely fail. So maybe your father won't be that angry against you_. ) And then, as the spell will make you shut up, you would almost want to say to Emma what really happened ten years before, and why Neal abandoned her. But you know that it's pointless, so you say nothing. The spell catches you, and suddenly you loose conscious. You die ( _at least, you think so._ )

 _§§§§_

It'sjustwhen the wave of magic crosses Storybrooke that you finally wakes up, and of course this is not pretty good, but at least, you _breath_. You soon understand that only magic had been able to do it. And of course, the only explanation is that Emma broke the spell, but as you don't want to be seen, you don't really care. You flee ( _this is not the first nor the last time, except that this time you truly regret what happened, but you're too ashamed to face your father._ )

You don't live, but you don't really survive either ( _you exist, which is a thing_ ), and you're just a wooden man, so you don't see why people would care of you. There could be Blue, or you father, but they don't find you, and you probably think that it's for the better.

To see again Snow is also a shock, because you didn't think you would be found, and again, there is shame, because you didn't help her daughter, and you fled, but you tell her nothing, because now you're still a coward. And you learn that Neal is in Storybrooke, and, stupidly, you begin to hope, and to believe that maybe what you messed up ten years before will be fixed. That the two of them can find each other again.

( _You're wrong and you already know it, because nothing of what you destroyed will be able to live again. The shock is still there despite it, and you would want that your heart was in wood too, so you would feel nor shame, nor sadness_ ). Your refusal to see your father hurts Snow, because she doesn't understand you, and you know why. You're persuaded that she never did anything wrong ( _but she killed Cora and manipulated Regina, so in a way, she is more culprit than you are_.)

This period of your life is a moment during which you see a lot of people coming behind your door, but not really the one you wanted to see. Tamara is one of them, and realize that she _knows_ for the magic stops you from breathing, because _damn_ , you didn't see that coming. She proposes you a deal, something that could save you from what you became, and if your wooden body exults at the idea to become _normal_ again, on the other side, your conscious screams that it is _absolutely_ _not_ a thing to do.

( _But Jiminy Cricket is not there, not now, so everything that you listen, is your desire of your own surviving.)_ Your first idea is to run away right now, without care about Emma or the other, or your father. ( _Something rings in your head but you don't listen to it. Brave, truthful, and unselfish, it was what you were supposed to be. You're sincerely sorry that you failed._ )

Then, you finally understand that Tamara lied to you; you hesitate, you grope for it for instants, and then, you come back. ( _You fled too many times, not today, and for the first time, you decide not to be a coward, even though you may risk your life_.)

You're not a hero, not really, but all you want now, is to _prevent_ Emma, and at no moment, you say to yourself that you're acting courageously. You do what you have to do ( _but it is heroic, and maybe that at this moment you become again someone good, for some minutes_.) You try to talk to Emma, but Tamara is still there, and it is too late when she arrives. It's a demi-failure, because you find your father, and you're human again. But you loose your memory ( _but Emma has doubts, and it's thanks to your help_.) You're a child, again, and then everything is good for you.

 _§§§§_

As a child, and because your father wants to protect you, you're far from what is happening, and it's better, because you and your father, you're together. You don't know for Neverland, nor for Operation Save Henry. At least, it doesn't concern you, and your father tells you nothing about it. You are just a child, so when the curse takes you ( _unlike most of the other, it's your first, and it's funny, you are almost not afraid this time._ ) all you know is that you go home, in _your_ world, and it all that that matters.

The Wicked Witch of the West came here, and then you are afraid again ( _but this time you don't have these responsibilities, and you trust Snow and David, so everything is fine._ ) And of course, the villains are defeated, and later, even Gold is put out of the town because he ruined everything.

And later, Regina, whose you remember she was the Evil Queen ( _but your father told you she changed, so you try to help her_ ) comes and asks for your help, and wants you to talk about the Author. But you're not August any more now, you're just Pinocchio and you don't see what she is talking about, or who. Then, she gets angry against you, and you can't stop from being afraid, and it stops just when Emma decides that it's enough and the interrogatory stops. They leave you alone, and for a moment, nothing extraordinary happens.

But everything has an end one day, and everything changes the day where you're abducted and brought into a cabin you don't know and where you never went ( _but you don't have time to be afraid, because Gold uses his damn dagger, and later, you will ask to yourself why he didn't do that before_.)

You're August again, as if you never stopped being him, and all your memories came back into your face, and it's worst than after you came back from the Enchanted Forest. The one of these that comes to the surface faster than the other is Neal's death, and you feel sorry for Henry, because of that, because he lost a father and you know how painful it it is ( _even though you found again you father after twenty-eight years_.)

All of this comes back into you and if Gold wasn't such a power-hungry bastard and just fighting for himself, you would tell him that you're sorry for Neal. But Gold just wants one thing, to make the Author comes into this world, so you say nothing. There is also Henry for who you feel sorry, but in this instant, you just think to save yourself, and it's normal.

You're saved by the heroes and see again Emma after all that happened ( _seeing her with being yourself and not this child that didn't exist any more_ ) is something truly wonderful. You don't apologize for what happened to Neal, because it's not your fault. And you live again, in a way, because you're again August and not Pinocchio ( _by the way, you weren't him since a long time_ ). And you want to help Emma and fight with her, but what Gold made to you made you too weak to be able to do that.

( _Obviously, you didn't forget how it hurt to turn into wood, but despite that, and despite the pain, you resisted against the dark One, despite the threat to die._ ) You see the Author who runs, and you can do nothing to change that. But you show to Emma and the other a portrait of the Apprentice, and your help allows them to find him. You're sure then that they will be able to stop Gold.

You see your father again, and it's the first time that you and him _talk_ seriously because before you were an amnesic child. None of you had the occasion to simply _evoke_ what happened after the curse. You're the one who talks about it the first, and you say how _sorry_ you are, that you didn't do what you should have done. Not have been truthful, unselfish, and brave.

But your father missed you so much that, you see it rapidly he isn't angry at you, never was, and in a way, this is just as if you found him again, and _damn,_ then _,_ youknowhow you missed him.

And suddenly, you embrace your father in your arms, and fugitively, you _hope_ , you _really_ hope that everything will be alright and that Emma will stop Gold from rewriting the story. You have faith in her, and you know she will do it.

You have no idea of the number of things she will have to go through, but at this instant, it doesn't matter, because you found your father again. And mostly, you're in peace with yourself, and you see again yourself as being _someone_ _good_.


End file.
